Just walk on

Keep it moving people


You know what no one ever told my ass how to get to sesame street. I always assumed it was because m black, but then I came to realize that one black guy lived there so I was like what the fuck. So it was a personal attack against me keeping me off their damn street. It just was never right. Damn you big bird and your damn split personality make believe friend.

- a look inside the mind of D -

My feelings can be found: http://dustaquarius.tumblr.com/post/29651693102/hermit-by-day-and-probably-by-night-as-well

the deepest manner of writing I can do. These are my feelings and this is who I am

As time goes by I come to find myself retreat more and more into a world of nothing. I work I play I sleep I eat but in all honesty all these things are done alone. It’s not that there aren’t people I can do all these things with, but I just find comfort in being alone. Some call these feelings depression, but the being alone isn’t really the sad part to me. I’m perfectly fine being left alone with my thoughts and my internet access, this being needed to note down the alone I’m enjoying though others don’t understand. No the depression comes not from being alone, but from recognizing this solo existence is not what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve had a lifetime of friendships. I’ve had good times out in public, and no matter how much I fight it at heart I’m more a people person then I let on. So that being said why do I feel like being by myself? Also can I truly call it “being by myself” if I write down every emotion and beg the world to read these thoughts? It seems like a backwards attempt at complete acceptance. I want to reach out and touch the world all while denying the world the ability to touch me. I’m the boy in the bubble but I refuse to let the outside tempt me to escape it. In the coming weeks I’ve vowed to try and reconnect with the ones I’ve deemed friends, but at this point I don’t know what kind of friendship I really have to offer. I mean I haven’t been much of a friend for years and wouldn’t know how to become a better one overnight. Also I’ve found so much of myself in this internet I’ve cast myself into people I don’t know and probably wouldn’t bother to know me in real life I’ve cast them in the role of friends. Its such a sad thing really when you get right down to it.  

Well I guess the point of all this is to say

YES i know I don’t talk much

YES i know I’m not the best friend I could be

YES i know as a husband I’m withdrawn most of the time

NO I’m not suffering from DEPRESSION

NO i  don’t need any kind of therapy

YES it will all be changing for the better soon

NO i can’t give an exact time and date for this change to take place

HELL NO I’M NOT GIVING UP MY INTERNETS haha

early in life I came to recognize I was a loser in love

ContraCostaCountyBlackBoyProblems

OK it’s time for a brief rundown of why I am the way I am. Let’s just say growing up Black in CoCO County (Contra Costa County for all you non norcal people) made dating life a little different then most experienced. Also being incredibly shy didn’t help none either haha

2nd Grade Antioch, CA: Antioch taught me a lot about life. Like how to have fun when your backyard consists of one giant hill with cows directly behind your backyard fence. It also taught me the lesson of if you have a neighbor a year older then you and who is an exhibitionist you would be crazy not to jump at the chance to be near them. She was my first kiss, first make out, and first naked female body all wrapped into one. HA her brother thought i was HIS bestfriend but anyone with sense knows I only hung out with him to be with her. Man girls had a distinct power over me from an early age.

5th Grade Concord, CA: My first real crush and first real heart break. She was the ultimate tomboy which at that point i found AWESOME. We hung out during breaks and could talk sports, wrestling and everything else that would make you assume a girl gay but we were too young to be concerned about that. Turns out she liked me to at least thats what a friend of her friend told my friend to tell me (Come on who doesn’t miss childhood communications haha). I did get around to asking her myself and her affection for me was confirmed. Then the evil that was my father made me transfer schools. Didn’t see the girl for another 2 years and by that time we had grown and boyhood crush became distant memory

6th Grade Concord, CA: First REAL girlfriend ever acquired at my new most memorable school. We talked all the time and raised our parents phone bills. She told me of how her lovely super white mother had fantasies of killing me as my blackness was somehow ruining her daughter. We never kissed never hugged barely held hands but we were IN LOVE (ok the no touching thing could be blamed on my uptight super christian private school having a STRICT no PDA policy. YAY Tabernacle) It was 3 months of togetherness followed by a sudden devastating break up caused by her wanting to date someone her parents were probably happy with. I don’t know what the reason, but its funny for years i considered it my first heartbreak. Broken hearted from a girl i never touched and never saw outside of school. Oh young love haha

7th Grade Yes Still Concord, CA: Once again no PDA out of this one but a better connection with longer phone calls. Lasted a week and few people knew about us dating really. Actually it was probably more then a week, but as we never established ENDING it I just always assume it was a week. Frankly it could have been longer she left school because of her ghetto ass sister starting brawls (uptight christian schools don’t enjoy burly white girls who attempt to live the la vida loca life). This one probably had the best conversations together, but I remember so little about her besides her first name and hairstyle. Is that weird?

8th Grade Final year in concord, CA well kinda: No girlfriend but did enjoy my first date ever. She was easily one of the best looking girls in school and to this day probably the most popular. Why she said yes to me is still a mystery. I assumed in order to either A. Piss off her parents or B. expand her dating profile by adding the only eligible black candidate in school. It was fun, but looking back I should’ve cleaned up with the ladies in that school. I was adorable too bad I was far to shy to speak to most of them in any kind of serious way.

HIGH SCHOOL  1year Concord 3years Oakland: Let us end this dating adventure with a run down of high school relationships…. WHAT RELATIONSHIPS? ok i did have 2 instances of something. 1 concord date that I considered taking a friend from Jr High to the first dance of the year, but others looked on as if that made us a couple. Some couple one dance with no dancing or pictures together. She went with her friends I went with mine but some guys from my class were still incredibly jealous of me. I found this odd as she wasn’t even remotely cute to me. Then 3 years in Oakland contain 1 girlfriend who looking back on it existed simply because no one else was showing either one of us interest. Jr and Sr year with the same person out of the sake of not being alone in high school. Sure it was great but it was high school. Like all things in high school it comes it goes and in between its fake and meaningless.

So many Outlets..

Yes the internet she grows and grows. That being said there are so many venues for self expression; however some of these people don't need to express so much. I mean I'm not the beacon of moral fiber and complete source of total wisdom the world needs, but I definitely try to upgrade the average reader. My words are often pretty into themselves, and why shouldn't they be. My words are the SHIT after all. You've never heard words such as these, ok you've heard them before but never in the order that I put them. It's not everyday you read so many run on sentences or phrases with lack of punctuation and of course lets not forget full paragraphs that take you nowhere. To read my thoughts forces you into a new level of consciousness simply so you can understand the point. The trick is the point is that there is no point.  Life is meaningless however its on you to give it purpose. Life without meaning is standard but a life with no purpose is a waste. Those are words to live by people.

Just a little something

Love Actually has me thinking about what we consider love, actually haha

http://dustaquarius.tumblr.com/post/28789462672/contracostacountyblackboyproblems

Check out the Tumblr

D's Mind - Page 1 of 11:

Check out my new home... for now. I'm a ship in the fog of internet I'll land somewhere else one day for now this is my current location haha

'via Blog this'

Distractions

Everyday I find it more and more difficult to focus. I've come to terms with it holding me back in my life, but it most definitely is troublesome. If only there was a quick and easy way for me to guide myself through this wall of crazy outside interference that I've come to know and love. Between the internet, comedians, sports and television my day is pretty full. Throw in family and the semi pointless need for outside social activities. My life is in need of change, but I find myself unable to focus long enough to make the needed changes happen.  Oh well that's the price you pay for utter genius being choked by fear of failure and ravaged by low self esteem. 

Glory glory Hallelujah

Bask in the glory of the almighty love.  The power the grace of his love compels you. Be a better person for it's simply in us all. He sent his son to save you. To rescue us all from ourselves. His love is never ending. It deserves better then keeping his old dusty book upon our shelves. Read his words of wisdom. In each sentence you can feel the touch of the love brought from on high the almighty, this love should be more then enough. So why do we run from it? Why do some look at it an sneer. Why roll your eyes when its presented to you when we know the words are strong. Is it to much a bother to listen when the preacher goes on and on? So you buck away from the system you want to do it your own way. You do your best to stay on the righteous path and ignore the steadfast believers as they tell you how you've strayed. What people fail to realize not everyone's faith is the same. You may feel the love of the almighty but you sense it in your own unique particular way. So I say these words onto you. The righteous and even some of ye damned. The Lord thy God the ALMIGHTY FATHER always awaits for you with wide open hands. Welcoming you into the light of joy and happy. Welcoming you into the eternal bliss. Though the path too him may seem skewed to some the end result doesn't have to be hit and miss. If you want to reach the promised land to spend eternity in glory at your end. The way to the gates is simple accept HIM as your savior with you whole heart not just as a social whim. Believe the word that's been spoken listen to the message that's been preached. When you do this simple gesture blessed glory can be reached. You may not believe what I'm saying. You may not always understand. You may feel I have no right to speak these words to you, maybe you never saw me as a saved and righteous man. Know that I may have my flaws and often this life I walk through while half awake, but my love for my Lord is honest and my faith in him you shall never take.

My work day for the past two weeks

U.S. Universities, by State:

The link above gives a comprehensive list to EVERY university in these united states. I click on each and every school looking to see what degrees they offer to see if any need the services of my company. In doing this i have come to find Majors and Degrees I never knew existed in life. As a college drop out/wash out it's fairly disheartening work. I mean school really wasn't for me once I reached the collegiate level, but that could have partly been do to what my major was. I was 18 and desperate to make my mark in the world of Literature. So like any starry eyed 18 I dreamed bigger then sensible. I decided to become a CREATIVE WRITING MAJOR (all in all the most pointless degree offered in any major university at the time). After 2 semesters I knew I was doomed. How was I expected to focus on schooling when my future degree would achieve me nothing more then turning around and being a Professor of  creative Writing. I mean, I had been WRITING CREATIVELY since Jr High. What exactly was I expecting college courses to do for me?
Well going state by state degree plan by degree plan I have come to find other degrees I possibly could have sunk my 18 year old teeth into. I have come to find the newest seemingly easiest and most offered degree in the land currently is a BA in Sports Management. Yes, at the rate these colleges are going we will have FAR more Sports Agents then athletes. What all these new agents fail to realize is the degree they have is no more useful then any basic business degree  they could have gotten from any other school in the nation. It's just the idea of being part of the billion dollar sports industry that brings so many kids to the table. Now at least the Sports Management individuals can say their degree has some sort of point. My new personal favorite is a combo degree that has been popping up every now and again during my search. I'm speaking of the individuals who major in RHETORIC and splice it together with a minor in FOLKLORE. Yes, now that is a combo I could have really invested my time in. Rhetoric plain and simply is the art of bullshitting. You spend your time writing and/or reading papers, articles, all sorts of literature and make it seem more important then it is if produced by you and rip it apart when produced by others. It's the American way afterall. Now take your useless rhetoric degree and add a side of folklore which is basically the art of story telling and you have yourself a humdinger of a BA. If only the younger me had found this offering I'd be sitting here falling asleep doing the same thing I'm doing now, but with a degree in BULLSHIT to make myself feel much smarter then I really ever was. Oh well, you live you learn

Best way to deal with sadness.... HUMOR

  Think about it people, we ALL feel pain. We are human it's just how it is. Of course pain travels deeper then just our species. All intelligent life feels loss, knows scorn, and can express pain. PAIN is universal. What makes we humans truly unique are the ways we find to deal with this widespread emotions. As far as pain and sadness go my favorite cure all is most definitely HUMOR. Laughter can definitely heal the soul, the problem is the healing doesn't happen in the time we impatient creatures want. With a bit more patience and a lot more laughter most difficult spots in life could be a bit breezier for us all. Wise men once said LIFE'S A PIECE of SHIT when you look at it. Truer words have never been spoken. Life is shit; and shit OFTEN happens. Yes, that being said LIFE is happening all around us. Why focus on the bad, with so many opportunities to experience the world GOOD and BAD swirls around us at all time? So if you take every opportunity to laugh it seriously restricts the moments you have left to cry. You see the trick isn't to try and force sadness out of your life. Without PAIN you can never truly understand true joy. 

  Pain never equals love, no matter what the freaks may say. Pain is truly the absence of happiness or is Happiness the absence of pain? Well either way they go hand in hand and LOVE is nowhere to be found in there not even the middle. Of course I've lost all sense of where I was going with this....LIKE ALWAYS but the gist of the story is.... SMILE through the pain. Sorrow is temporary, Laughter helps, humor heals, and friends are a guiding light through the sorrowful fog. So when feeling down and truely low do your best to find a laugh in the misery. So your woman left you and took the dog, well that's ok fucking thing only had a month to live anyway. You can't get a date with the guy you've always wanted?  Fuck it you hear he has a little dick anyway. Car won't start and you are on your last legs with you job? No biggie, you hate everyone there anyway; and besides you are tired of pissing in the boss' coffee cup anyway.