Goodbye Grandma

http://dustaquarius.tumblr.com/post/132134351432/early-thursday-morning-we-will-allow-grandma-to-go

introverted personality hiding a social butterfly

This is the best description of my personality that has ever existed. I have come to realize after years of saying the wrong thing I truly am not SHY. No i can and will talk with people therefore shy isn't a proper word to express my feelings.

Time to start sharing my Tumblr thoughts here

Have you ever been tempted while not being tempted? Surrounded by gorgeous women but knowing even if you were willing to succumb to the temptation you’d never have the balls to speak to them to get the ball rolling. My love life is the greatest of mysteries. I’ve spent a lifetime being shy and timid but somehow im far removed from virginity. That ship sailed, crossed the Atlantic, looted and plundered the natives. So that being said I always think to myself how? It doesn’t seem possible that I’ve gained so much experience, but to this very day if a woman I deem attractive would speak to me id freeze like a deer in headlights. 
I guess life is weird that way. Even though my past is still a mystery my future is pretty set. Fear of cheating goes out the window when just the thought leads to crippling guilt, and any attempt to want to speak with anyone with any physical beauty leads to dry mouth shortened breath and blank mind. Basically at the age of 33 I still respond the same way I did when I was 12. I don’t mind it though this lack of actions saves me from a lot of BS I see people go through.

how my mind works

Speak up to catch the ear of a crowded room. Unsure if everyone will understand what you are saying. Your thoughts are your own, but the emotions go deeper and this is what you are desperately attempting to convey. Everyone should be looking at you soaking your words up like sunshine. Your thoughts and feelings nourishing their bodies like the vitamin K they so desperately need though they are unaware of its importance. Thats right, your emotions are nothing more than the bastard vitamin to them. You crave to be their beloved C hell you’ll even take the second tier D or B-12. No not you, not today. You stand in the center of a crowd yet you’ve never felt so alone. Of course that is a lie, you’ve known this loneliness everyday since puberty. Of course you’ve connected with people here and there over the years, but your soul craves more. You were born to have an audience, legions of fans and admirers. People who hang on your every word like the morning sun radiates on a dew drop. You have lots to say, tons of ideas to be expressed. Writing helps however not knowing who’s reading is murder. Blurred faces in a sea of people, never knowing what is thought of the things you say. How can you change the world when you get no response? Your pulse is strong but your heart is weak. Aching for the day when finally your uniqueness, your quiet introspective view on all things strikes a cord and makes an audible difference in the lives of many. Until then all we do is write and hope.
  Feb 8 
  1 
 Facebook
Twitter
Google

Story time

She walked down from the mountain. Purse full of goji berry heart full of wonder. She had a stride like a Clydesdale and hair like one too. Golden mane glistening in the autumn sun. She was like no one I had ever seen before. Beauty wasn't quite the word you would use to describe her. Her looks were something more. Something pure and enjoyable, just being in her presence felt like a blessing. To hear her voice was to be in the audience of a choir or angels. She was more than a woman, and the fact she was strolling down the path for me made me more than a man. I was a doomed man.
Perfection was never meant to be captured by man. Only the creator has the know how to maintain it. To try and harness the unthinkable force of her was unimaginable, however I knew I was fool enough to try. Who am I exactly? That's a good question. The answer may not be simple. Then again it probably is much easier than I'd like.
- a look inside the mind of D -

Time away

Took some time away to find my voice. Realize my scream has become but a whimper and the force of my pimp hand diminished to but a tap of a Pom Pom. Yes the end of the cool guy D is neigh (near for all you unread motherfuckers).


- a look inside the mind of D -

Still living

Ok I'm still alive
I haven't left this mortal coil
This is still a place for true self expression
I'm done for now but shall be back again.

Drunks just have fun

You know it's been a good time when you lose a shoe, are wearing someone else's socks and though you are in your bed the keys in your hand aren't yours. You know you should be frightened, but the tingling in your body and the minty tangy taste on your tongue won't allow it.
Yes my friends you just made your night EPIC through the power of alcohol. Too bad you'll never remember it.


- a look inside the mind of D -

Time

Wake to a new tomorrow. Tomorrow is yesterday's today. We are living in a future that we shall never reach. You can never truly reach tomorrow and you never get out of yesterday. Time is a mystery my friends. You think you understand how it moves, then you come to realize maybe time hasn't moved and we are merely living in the mists of actions. What does it all mean? Maybe the ultimate meaning is that its all meaningless.

He won

So now this horrid ugly election season is over. I'm so happy we can breath again as our faith in humanity has been restored.

- a look inside the mind of D -

Things are happening

What is this? Is prosperity finally coming our way. When you pray for rain the lord makes it pour. As long as blessings come washing down on us I will continue to praise his name.


Ok now that the respectable shit is out of the way lets turn these good moments into miraculous marvels of astounding awesomeness.
- a look inside the mind of D -

A new place for my RANTS

In My Humble Opinion:

'via Blog this'

Please enjoy my Tumblr home for the strong thoughts I often keep

Just walk on

Keep it moving people


You know what no one ever told my ass how to get to sesame street. I always assumed it was because m black, but then I came to realize that one black guy lived there so I was like what the fuck. So it was a personal attack against me keeping me off their damn street. It just was never right. Damn you big bird and your damn split personality make believe friend.

- a look inside the mind of D -

My feelings can be found: http://dustaquarius.tumblr.com/post/29651693102/hermit-by-day-and-probably-by-night-as-well

the deepest manner of writing I can do. These are my feelings and this is who I am

As time goes by I come to find myself retreat more and more into a world of nothing. I work I play I sleep I eat but in all honesty all these things are done alone. It’s not that there aren’t people I can do all these things with, but I just find comfort in being alone. Some call these feelings depression, but the being alone isn’t really the sad part to me. I’m perfectly fine being left alone with my thoughts and my internet access, this being needed to note down the alone I’m enjoying though others don’t understand. No the depression comes not from being alone, but from recognizing this solo existence is not what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve had a lifetime of friendships. I’ve had good times out in public, and no matter how much I fight it at heart I’m more a people person then I let on. So that being said why do I feel like being by myself? Also can I truly call it “being by myself” if I write down every emotion and beg the world to read these thoughts? It seems like a backwards attempt at complete acceptance. I want to reach out and touch the world all while denying the world the ability to touch me. I’m the boy in the bubble but I refuse to let the outside tempt me to escape it. In the coming weeks I’ve vowed to try and reconnect with the ones I’ve deemed friends, but at this point I don’t know what kind of friendship I really have to offer. I mean I haven’t been much of a friend for years and wouldn’t know how to become a better one overnight. Also I’ve found so much of myself in this internet I’ve cast myself into people I don’t know and probably wouldn’t bother to know me in real life I’ve cast them in the role of friends. Its such a sad thing really when you get right down to it.  

Well I guess the point of all this is to say

YES i know I don’t talk much

YES i know I’m not the best friend I could be

YES i know as a husband I’m withdrawn most of the time

NO I’m not suffering from DEPRESSION

NO i  don’t need any kind of therapy

YES it will all be changing for the better soon

NO i can’t give an exact time and date for this change to take place

HELL NO I’M NOT GIVING UP MY INTERNETS haha

early in life I came to recognize I was a loser in love

ContraCostaCountyBlackBoyProblems

OK it’s time for a brief rundown of why I am the way I am. Let’s just say growing up Black in CoCO County (Contra Costa County for all you non norcal people) made dating life a little different then most experienced. Also being incredibly shy didn’t help none either haha

2nd Grade Antioch, CA: Antioch taught me a lot about life. Like how to have fun when your backyard consists of one giant hill with cows directly behind your backyard fence. It also taught me the lesson of if you have a neighbor a year older then you and who is an exhibitionist you would be crazy not to jump at the chance to be near them. She was my first kiss, first make out, and first naked female body all wrapped into one. HA her brother thought i was HIS bestfriend but anyone with sense knows I only hung out with him to be with her. Man girls had a distinct power over me from an early age.

5th Grade Concord, CA: My first real crush and first real heart break. She was the ultimate tomboy which at that point i found AWESOME. We hung out during breaks and could talk sports, wrestling and everything else that would make you assume a girl gay but we were too young to be concerned about that. Turns out she liked me to at least thats what a friend of her friend told my friend to tell me (Come on who doesn’t miss childhood communications haha). I did get around to asking her myself and her affection for me was confirmed. Then the evil that was my father made me transfer schools. Didn’t see the girl for another 2 years and by that time we had grown and boyhood crush became distant memory

6th Grade Concord, CA: First REAL girlfriend ever acquired at my new most memorable school. We talked all the time and raised our parents phone bills. She told me of how her lovely super white mother had fantasies of killing me as my blackness was somehow ruining her daughter. We never kissed never hugged barely held hands but we were IN LOVE (ok the no touching thing could be blamed on my uptight super christian private school having a STRICT no PDA policy. YAY Tabernacle) It was 3 months of togetherness followed by a sudden devastating break up caused by her wanting to date someone her parents were probably happy with. I don’t know what the reason, but its funny for years i considered it my first heartbreak. Broken hearted from a girl i never touched and never saw outside of school. Oh young love haha

7th Grade Yes Still Concord, CA: Once again no PDA out of this one but a better connection with longer phone calls. Lasted a week and few people knew about us dating really. Actually it was probably more then a week, but as we never established ENDING it I just always assume it was a week. Frankly it could have been longer she left school because of her ghetto ass sister starting brawls (uptight christian schools don’t enjoy burly white girls who attempt to live the la vida loca life). This one probably had the best conversations together, but I remember so little about her besides her first name and hairstyle. Is that weird?

8th Grade Final year in concord, CA well kinda: No girlfriend but did enjoy my first date ever. She was easily one of the best looking girls in school and to this day probably the most popular. Why she said yes to me is still a mystery. I assumed in order to either A. Piss off her parents or B. expand her dating profile by adding the only eligible black candidate in school. It was fun, but looking back I should’ve cleaned up with the ladies in that school. I was adorable too bad I was far to shy to speak to most of them in any kind of serious way.

HIGH SCHOOL  1year Concord 3years Oakland: Let us end this dating adventure with a run down of high school relationships…. WHAT RELATIONSHIPS? ok i did have 2 instances of something. 1 concord date that I considered taking a friend from Jr High to the first dance of the year, but others looked on as if that made us a couple. Some couple one dance with no dancing or pictures together. She went with her friends I went with mine but some guys from my class were still incredibly jealous of me. I found this odd as she wasn’t even remotely cute to me. Then 3 years in Oakland contain 1 girlfriend who looking back on it existed simply because no one else was showing either one of us interest. Jr and Sr year with the same person out of the sake of not being alone in high school. Sure it was great but it was high school. Like all things in high school it comes it goes and in between its fake and meaningless.

So many Outlets..

Yes the internet she grows and grows. That being said there are so many venues for self expression; however some of these people don't need to express so much. I mean I'm not the beacon of moral fiber and complete source of total wisdom the world needs, but I definitely try to upgrade the average reader. My words are often pretty into themselves, and why shouldn't they be. My words are the SHIT after all. You've never heard words such as these, ok you've heard them before but never in the order that I put them. It's not everyday you read so many run on sentences or phrases with lack of punctuation and of course lets not forget full paragraphs that take you nowhere. To read my thoughts forces you into a new level of consciousness simply so you can understand the point. The trick is the point is that there is no point.  Life is meaningless however its on you to give it purpose. Life without meaning is standard but a life with no purpose is a waste. Those are words to live by people.

Just a little something

Love Actually has me thinking about what we consider love, actually haha

http://dustaquarius.tumblr.com/post/28789462672/contracostacountyblackboyproblems

Check out the Tumblr

D's Mind - Page 1 of 11:

Check out my new home... for now. I'm a ship in the fog of internet I'll land somewhere else one day for now this is my current location haha

'via Blog this'

Distractions

Everyday I find it more and more difficult to focus. I've come to terms with it holding me back in my life, but it most definitely is troublesome. If only there was a quick and easy way for me to guide myself through this wall of crazy outside interference that I've come to know and love. Between the internet, comedians, sports and television my day is pretty full. Throw in family and the semi pointless need for outside social activities. My life is in need of change, but I find myself unable to focus long enough to make the needed changes happen.  Oh well that's the price you pay for utter genius being choked by fear of failure and ravaged by low self esteem. 

Glory glory Hallelujah

Bask in the glory of the almighty love.  The power the grace of his love compels you. Be a better person for it's simply in us all. He sent his son to save you. To rescue us all from ourselves. His love is never ending. It deserves better then keeping his old dusty book upon our shelves. Read his words of wisdom. In each sentence you can feel the touch of the love brought from on high the almighty, this love should be more then enough. So why do we run from it? Why do some look at it an sneer. Why roll your eyes when its presented to you when we know the words are strong. Is it to much a bother to listen when the preacher goes on and on? So you buck away from the system you want to do it your own way. You do your best to stay on the righteous path and ignore the steadfast believers as they tell you how you've strayed. What people fail to realize not everyone's faith is the same. You may feel the love of the almighty but you sense it in your own unique particular way. So I say these words onto you. The righteous and even some of ye damned. The Lord thy God the ALMIGHTY FATHER always awaits for you with wide open hands. Welcoming you into the light of joy and happy. Welcoming you into the eternal bliss. Though the path too him may seem skewed to some the end result doesn't have to be hit and miss. If you want to reach the promised land to spend eternity in glory at your end. The way to the gates is simple accept HIM as your savior with you whole heart not just as a social whim. Believe the word that's been spoken listen to the message that's been preached. When you do this simple gesture blessed glory can be reached. You may not believe what I'm saying. You may not always understand. You may feel I have no right to speak these words to you, maybe you never saw me as a saved and righteous man. Know that I may have my flaws and often this life I walk through while half awake, but my love for my Lord is honest and my faith in him you shall never take.